I'm not posting about material fashion today. I'm going to talk about internal fashion: how you carry yourself. I know most of you will see a post detailed with lots of words and just skip reading this. But I don't care about how many views I get on this one. I just want to blow some steam. My internal fashion, is well... a confused one. The definition of fashion is "the make or form something". So when I refer to my internal fashion, I'm talking about my emotions. I never continue with anything, finish any projects, or excel in one area. It's the worst habit I have and is corroding me. About a week ago I realized, I never finish ANYTHING. I looked around my room to see projects I started but never finished them. I started on making a headboard. It is a beige padded headboard. I made the frame. I attached the cushion with a staple gun. I started nailing the material on the headboard by stretching the fabric across the frame and stapling it in the back. But did I finish stapling it? No. It's sitting in my basement right now resting against a wall, unfinished and left alone.
I look at a wall in my room and see a mirror leaned against my beige walls accompanied with another mirror. My intention is to make a mirror wall. I have been collecting mirrors from old thrift stores, antique malls and making them from picture frames laying around the house. Have I yet to hang them on my wall? Nope.
In my bathroom I have a wall full of ripped out magazine pages, that I thought were cool, and posters. I have covered the whole wall except for the top right corner. I would like to finish it, but I haven't.
I found an old hot pink (yuck) chandelier and spray painted half of it silver. I didn't finish it because the day I started it, it was windy and the spray paint wouldn't ever go in the direction I wanted it to. So I left it in the barn. Have I finished it? You can figure out the answer.
I have ceiling tiles laying in my room, they are meant for my bathroom. All I have to do is stick them on my bathroom ceiling and I'm done. Not yet done.
I love to paint. It's a dear heart warmer to me. A hobby I get lost in. There is a painting hanging on my wall that is still not finished.
Are you getting tired of hearing about all the things I haven't finished yet? Me too. It's ridiculous. Why don't I have the will power to ever finish anything?! I'm starting to realize my faults. All my life... I have had people tell me what to do: teachers, parents, bosses. I do what they tell me to do because it's required in order to succeed. It has finally click in my little mind that I don't have the will power to finish anything I start, because no is there to tell me to finish it. I'm going to change this. I don't want to be like this any longer. I can't blame anyone else for the things I do. It's my fault that headboard isn't finished. It's my fault that I haven't finished that painting. And if I don't want to finish it, I don't have to. It's up to me to be a loser. But that needs to change. I WANT to finish things I start. I don't want to waist my time spending useless hours on something that is never going to be accomplished. My internal fashion wants more than what it has. I have big dreams, and have yet to accomplish any of them. I don't want to proceed in life not reaching those dreams. You are probably wondering why I am writing this post. I am wondering the same thing. I don't know why. But I don't have to know why. It feels good to write in the open. Writing in a journal is only for your feelings confined in a fragile book that only you are going to see. Why NOT let others see how you really feel? I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I know there are other's that don't feel motivated. As like how I feel about this blog. One month I want to post post post, and then next one month I don't go on this blog at all.
I look at blogspot and lookbook wishing I could be like those girls in those pictures. As I think "Why are my legs not that thin? Why can't my smile look like that? I don't want to take picture of myself and post them like other girls because I'm not up to pare like them." That's what I think to myself. While I looked in the mirror today I realized my true beauty. I might not have perfect hair and perfect legs. But everyone is beautiful in their own unique way. That's what makes them beautiful. I don't look like Barbie, but I know I am my own kind of beautiful. I haven't posted updates because I used to "twist" my mind to believe that I wasn't beautiful enough to post them. I realize now that it doesn't matter what other people think. Because what I see, they won't. I'm stressing over how I think "I'm not slender enough"... but yet our soldier are over seas fighting for me and you. There is so much out there that is actually serious, and we spend time angry over the most frivolous stuff. Yes, I said stuff. I am going to start posting picture like I intended to do when I opened this blog. I'm not posting it for you. But I'm posting it for me.
I need to finish what I start. And so it starts here. With this blog.
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